Mak Lang

Aku bangun dari tidur dan terdengar deru kereta emak makin sayup. Emak telah pergi kerja. Aku menangis dan menjerit.

"Huwaaaa..makk dah pergi kerjaaaa..huhuu,"sambil tersedu sedan aku meluahkan perasaan. Mak Lang di bawah rumah bercakap dengan nada yang sedikit kuat.

"Dahla tu mak dah pi kerja dah tu.."

Aku menjenguk dari luar jendela. Mak Lang di bawah rumah sedang memasukkan baju ke dalam mesin basuh. Aku lantas diam dan mula berjalan mencari pintu. Aku mahu turun ke bawah. Suasana pagi yang nyaman dan suara Mak Lang membuatkan aku terlupa kesedihan akibat tidak sempat melihat emak pergi ke pejabat. Aku terus berlari menuruni tangga.

Itu cerita hampir 28 tahun lalu. Sewaktu aku berumur 4 tahun. Waktu itu, kami tinggal di Taman Uda, Alor Setar. Rumah-rumah di situ semuanya rumah kayu tinggi. Di situ memori aku bersama Mak Lang bermula.

Disebabkan mak bekerja, Mak Lang membantu menjaga kami adik beradik sejak kecil. Di samping mak dan ayah, Mak Lang orang yang paling dekat di hatiku sedari kecil hingga sekarang.

Setelah Mak Lang mempunyai anak, mak dan ayah telah meminta tolong orang lain untuk menjaga kami adik beradik semasa mak bekerja. Namun, kedua-duanya tidak lama bersama kami dan berhenti apabila mereka mahu berkahwin, dan kami kembali berada di bawah ketiak Mak Lang. Semasa itu kami sudah berpindah ke Jitra dan tinggal di Taman Bunga Raya. Mak Lang sekeluarga pula tinggal di Taman Rasa Sayang yang hanya bersebelahan dengan taman tempat tinggal kami. Kami ke rumah Mak Lang selepas balik dari sekolah hingga petang hari sehingga mak dan ayah pulang dari kerja. Itulah rutin kami sehingga Kak Kasmita datang sewaktu aku berumur 10 tahun dan sehingga kini masih setia bersama emak.

Mak Lang seorang yang suka melawak. Cakapnya juga bersahaja. Memori bersamanya sentiasa bermain di fikiran, bagaikan filem yang tidak jemu ditonton. Masakannya, walaupun ringkas seperti sawi masak air, ikan goreng, kari ayam dan sambal ikan bilis, mampu membuatkan kami makan bertambah. Saat yang paling seronok apabila Mak Lang mula mengeluarkan bahan-bahan membuat kuih di petang hari. Mak Lang akan membuat donut, cucur udang, jejemput pisang, kuih seri muka dan kuih keria. Kami akan makan petang sambil menonton siri cerita Jepun popular satu ketika dulu, Moero Attack. Seronok!! Apabila mak dan ayah datan menjemput kami, Mak Lang akan bekalkan kami mangkuk tingkat berisi lauk pauk untuk kami makan di malam hari.

Mak Lang pernah membebel apabila adikku menangis-nangis sebab terlupa pesanan cikgunya untuk membawa ubi kentang yang telah dibelah dua dan dibuat corak-corak untuk subjek lukisan, sebelum pergi ke sekolah. Adikku semasa itu bersekolah di sesi petang. Mak Lang bergegas ke kedai nyonya di hadapan taman untuk membeli beberapa biji ubi kentang. Lantas Mak Lang  ukirkan corak-corak bunga dan daun di atas ubi kentang yang telah dibelah. Selamat adikku dari dimarahi cikgu!

Selepas keputusan UPSR diumumkan, aku ditawarkan memasuki sebuah sekolah berasrama penuh. Pada masa itu, Mak Lang sekeluarga sudah berpindah ke perumahan kakitangan UUM di Sintok. Sebelum hari aku pergi mendaftar ke sekolah tersebut, aku beritahu mak yang aku mahu pergi ke rumah Mak Lang dahulu dan berjumpa dengannya. Memang pada masa itu aku rasa sedih mahu tinggalkan keluarga dan Mak Lang. Hilang sedikit rasa sedihku pada ketika itu dapat berjumpa dengannya.

"Faizah dulu pulak suka bercakap dengan semut!" Mak Lang mendedahkan rahsia aku bermain sewaktu kecil, sambil tersenyum-senyum, apabila aku memberitahunya adikku yang bongsu suka sangat bermain 'video game'.  Tak sangka aku suka bermain dan berkawan dengan semut. Bila sudah besar, apabila nampak semut aku 'spray' dengan 'Mortein' sampai mati.

"Nanti, bila Faizah dah bekerja dan banyak duit, boleh tak Mak Lang nak pinjam duit dari Faizah?" tanya Mak Lang, mengusik. Pada masa itu seingat aku, aku berada di sekolah menengah. Aku sambil tergelak-gelak mengatakan, "Bolehhhhhh!". Pada masa itu, dan sehingga kini, sungguh aku tidak kisah. Aku sanggup memberi tanpa meminjamkan kepada Mak Lang. Mak Lang sudah kuanggap seperti ibuku yang kedua.

"Dulu Faizah kata nak kahwin masa umur 29 tahun. Nak beli rumah dululah, kereta dulu, " Mak Lang mengusik lagi sambil gelak besar apabila aku memberitahunya aku akan berkahwin pada usia 23 tahun.
Berderai cita-citaku pada zaman remaja yang tidak kesampaian. Pada masa remaja, apalah yang aku faham tentang jodoh:)

"Orang Perlis? Haaaaa Faizah ikut cadangan Mak Lang jugak naaaa, cari orang Perlis. Baguih!!" sambil
tersenyum seronok bila mengetahui bakal suamiku merupakan orang Perlis. Sebelum itu, dia seringkali menyarankan padaku untuk mencari orang yang 'dekat-dekat' untuk dijadikan suami. Maksud Mak Lang, 'dekat-dekat' tu biarlah orang utara juga.

Paling akhir aku berjumpa dengan Mak Lang, apabila aku pulang ke Malaysia hujung tahun lepas. Pada masa itu, Mak Lang sudah mula sakit. Badannya sangat kurus, mukanya cengkung. Mak Lang minta aku belikan laksa Kuala Perlis. Malangnya, aku tak sempat ke Kuala Perlis, lalu aku belikan laksa di tempat lain. Kesian Mak Lang. Aku tahankan air mata apabila berada di rumahnya. Pada masa itu, dia masih mampu berlawak dan ketawa.

Apabila tiba hari aku mahu bertolak kembali ke Finland, Mak Lang bersusah payah datang ke rumah di Jitra bersama Pak Lang. Walaupun masih sakit dan lemah, Mak Lang tetap mahu datang, mahu menemuiku sebelum kami berpisah semula. Mak Lang kelihatan sangat lemah pada masa itu. Aku tak akan lupakan saat Mak Lang menangis hiba memelukku apabila aku mula mahu bergerak masuk ke dalam kereta. Itulah pelukan terakhir daripada Mak Lang. Itulah kali terakhir aku melihat Mak Lang, mendengar suaranya. Namun, itulah kali pertama aku melihat Mak Lang menangis sedih. Kali pertama, dan terakhir buatku.

Mak Lang telah meninggalkan dunia yang fana ini tanggal 12 Disember 2011, bersamaan 18 Muharram 1432 Hijrah. Mak Lang takkan kembali lagi. Tidak akan kedengaran lagi gelak ketawa Mak Lang. Semoga Mak Lang tenang dan damai di sana. Sehingga kita bertemu lagi di akhirat kelak.

Ya Allah, lapangkanlah kuburnya, mudahkanlah segala urusannya. Tempatkanlah Mak Lang di kalangan orang yang beriman dan beramal soleh.

Al-Fatihah buat Mak Lang.

Brain training

I noticed my ability to focus deteriorates. I am not able to read and understand a topic unless I read it like 3 to 4 times. My mind always travel to some other thing at the same time, or I simply could not embed the things I have read easily.

I thought..oh my..what has happened to my brain? What have I done to my head? Errr.. probably I eat too much junk food?? My brain is getting old faster than my body? I felt down. I knew I have to do something.

Then I enrolled to trainings at the sports hall in my university. The real reason why I registered there was due to the doctor's advice regarding my neck pain. She told me to have a regular exercise concentrating on that area. One of the trainings offered there is 'Neck and Back' training.

At the same time, I remember the saying: 'Otak yang cerdas datang dari badan yang sihat'. Then  I thought, probably my brain is not functioning good because my body is weak and I have not been sweating for quite a looonggg time. Oh yes, that must be it!!

Consequently, I take advantage to participate in other training too. They have variety of trainings, easy and effective aiming to have a healthy and strong body. You can choose whichever training you like by reading the details on the website.

Oh, but that is not what I want to write today:) In some searching through 'Google' on tips to enhance the functionality of brain (besides doing physical exercise), I came across a website which offers brain training according to the 5 main portions of our brain. It is base on a research (as they claimed it is) on neurosciences which they have done and are still doing in their lab. I have to admit the site is very interesting indeed. I have joined the brain training since last month.  I have not observed my brain functionality since but  tend to have discussions on it with people who have joined and done the training for quite some time.

If you guys are interested, you can click here. It's only free up to 3 times basic training, but the price is not expensive.

Happy training!!!:)

What do you Muslim people feel?

I came across this news on Monday 21st November 2011. What do you (especially Muslim people) think about this? The news was published in Helsingin Sanomat, the most subscribed newspaper in Finland.

Racism everywhere?

 My mind get hooked by the word 'racism' for the past few few weeks. It happened when I read an e-news relating to this 'phenomenon' in Finland. The latest one was this poll result which was published in one of Finland's most readable newspaper. Yet when the world is more open, the issue about multiculturalisme is a never ending debate. Can multicultural country/ies excel? Most of those who are positive in this particular matter refer to Canada as a role country. Canadian government invites those other nationalities to come and make their living there. The immigrants, especially professional (white collar employees) are given wide opportunities to mix with the local people and their culture. Is it a success for real? I don't know, I have never been there.

I am not trying to discuss about multiculturalisme in other country, including Finland. Although I have already been here for about 3 years, still I do not yet have clear picture about its success or failure in developing a multicultural country, nor is it trying to be one.

Malaysia has been lingering in my head.

Yes, Malaysia is a multicultural country. It is a fact that we have been living with Chinese, Indians, Orang Asli, Melanaus etc. When I was in primary and secondary school, I have Chinese and Indians friends and teachers. We knew that we are different in races and religions, but those had never been  limiting factors to be good friends and developed good relationships. We played together and it's still fresh in my mind that we used our own Bahasa Malaysia as our communication. During those days, never a slight prejudice ever crossed my head.

But things changed a little bit when I was in the university. The Malay would prefer to sit among themselves, so did the Chinese and the Indians. But of course we still talked to each other, but to the minimum level. It was hard to see a group with mixed races. And at that time, I admitted that I started to feel fishy when they talked in their own language. But we did not feel that much 'fear' towards the Indians.  Come back to think about it again, I think the reason is simple, because the Indians were just a small group there at that particular period. And furthermore, the Indians in the university speak English, a language that we (Malay) understand.

However, I am not saying that we had bad relationship back then. It was just.... a cold relationship. No soul in it. But I know even with the same race, to build a trustworthy relationship is not easy. Difference in faith and culture make it a little bit more difficult.

I believe everyone of us are racist, at least in our heart, or at least once in a while.  Have you said bad things or felt suspicious about people base on their races (even if you do not know them personally)? I admit it, I have. And I felt stupid afterwards. If you say it to someone, it's like creating a gossip or slander. If you feel it in your heart, it's like a whisper from the evil, to make you feel suspicious and prejudice to someone before actually knowing him/her. Both of those act/feeling are forbidden in Islam. Yet we are still stuck in the mud. Why?

The first thing that cross my mind is because we have been hearing about this matter almost everyday. In Malaysia nowadays, media steered by the political parties play a very significant role in shaping the mindset of the people. Then, from racism, the thing is getting out of control when it comes to the most sensitive issue- the religion. It is sickening to read about these matters. All are in mess. In this case, I put the blame on every Malaysians including me. But, the biggest blame is to the Malay where the majority is Muslim, no matter whether they are in the government, political parties or just ordinary people. We fail to adapt the real Islamic values in developing our beloved Malaysia. We fail to show good examples. Astaghfirullah..may Allah forgive us.

If we worship Allah and put Him as the most important in our life, we would not feel suspicious towards others. We won't hurt the feeling of other races, hence InsyaAllah they will respect us in the same manner. We will not say bad things about them, or speculate bad stories without investigating the truth. Just because they are not Malay or Muslim, does not mean they have the intention to see us suffer. Just because we are not in the same boat as theirs, does not mean they like to manipulate us.

The problem with all of us is that we easily feel suspicious. We forget that Islam teach us to think positive towards other people. That is one way of bringing them to see the beauty of Islam. We easily forget and let the hatred feeling grow in our heart. Then we let them go through our words like:

1. "Bodoh punya Cina makan babi"
2. "Keling pengotor!"

I could not say it more...Those words are of ignorant people. Why we have to say something hurtful like that? Ok, someone might say that because they said bad things about us also. But if it is true, do we have to act the same way? Where is our Islamic value?

I always believe in the concept of give in to get back. Of course it does not include the obligations as a Muslim. But by practising deep patience and understanding in this human-relations kind of things, we will see the benefit. It's just a matter of time, whether we will get the benefits here in this world or in the hereafter.  

Let's stop labelling. It's not the value of Muslims. Let's together think on how to build and finish the puzzle. InsyaAllah someday we will have it framed.

Islamophobia and our duty as Muslims

Have you ever ready to defend your faith and religion of Islam? Have you thought about what you might say and explain if you were confronted and provoked by someone saying that Islam is a violent religion? Have you prepared yourself, have you enough knowledge of Islam?

To be frank, I am ready to say that:

"No, Islam is not a violent religion. Its word itself means peace, and Islam taught us to be kind and loving to all."

That's all. Period. Sadly, I could not provide proof nor examples from Quran and hadith, because they are not in my head. I have to flip through the Quran translation, read thoroughly the hadith, the history of Islam, understand them. Try to embed them in my mind by reading them everyday. 

In fact, that's what every Muslim should do. I know it's my duty, I've known it long ago..but still I take being born a Muslim for granted. 

Reading stories and watching videos regarding reverts amazed me. All of them experienced indescribable-wonderful feeling after they utter the syahadah. From this particular video, at the end part of it, this girl asked us who are born Muslims, not to take it for granted. It stabbed my heart because her saying is so hurtful-true. With she, being in a surrounding where everything seemed difficult for her to be, act and live as a Muslim, stay strong in sticking to the truth with an ultimate believe in Allah, then why me, the one who is born in Islam feel it's difficult to even defend my religion by means of explanation and evidence? 31 years as a Muslim and yet still no deep knowledge of my own religion??? It's heartbreaking-sad... :(

Being in this world where Islamophobia is rising, makes me wonder how to explain to the fellow non-muslim that Islam is not about hate and violence. The latest incident occurred in Norway, where the killer's act was driven by his hate towards Islam and Muslim immigrants shocked the world. In my mind, the least we should do is to show good example and manners of how a Muslim should act and behave towards others without leaving our obligations to Allah. Try hard to be tolerant, gentle, kind to everyone and at the same time apply the Islamic rules in all our aspect of life. May Allah grant us with kind and wisdom, insyaAllah.

Let's pray for a better situation for Islam and Muslims. Let's do what we can do to protect our religion from slander and negative views. Let's show good example taken from our beloved Rasulullah SAW in everyday life. 

Oh Allah, do not let us get strayed away from you. 

Oh Allah, make me and all of us better Muslim..aminn!!

Finland part 2

Finland is one of the Scandinavian countries which also consists of Sweden, Denmark and Norway. All of these countries except Norway are also in Schengen area (European Union countries).  Its neighbors are Russia and Sweden, and also Estonia separated by the Baltic Sea.

The first impression when we first arrive to Finland was it's full of trees! Of course, with 338 thousand km2 and not more than 6 million people, most of the lands here are still virgin. Most of the population concentrated at the south Finland around Helsinki, Espoo and Vantaa region.

My first experience with Finnish people was quite..well..unpleasant I would say. My husband and I were trying to ask 2 old ladies on which bus to take to go to back to Helsinki. We were somewhere in Vantaa trying to find a car dealer shop, but to no avail. They seemed scared when they saw my face and it became worse when I spoke English. They went further away and left me with no answers. I was a bit sad, maybe because I wear hijab? But later on I realized the real, main reason why they tried to avoid me was because they knew little English (of course younger generation speak English well).

But, generally Finnish people put importance on privacy.  They do not easily chat with strangers at bus stop. When stepping on the bus, they will prefer sitting on an empty two-seaters, and if it happened that they have to seat beside someone, you won't hear any words uttered unless they have known each other. Silence is also important in Finnish society, everyone even babies are calm in the bus.

Very rare that you receive smiles from strangers when you walk pass them. During the first moments I had tried to smile at everyone I passed by, but most of the time they just ignored me and looked down to their shoes. I was a little bit upset and I thought they acted like that because I am a Muslim.

However, as time passes by, I begin to understand the Finnish people more. From my point of view and from my readings, they are quite reserved people (like me hehe). Furthermore, They do not do small talk. They just say it straight to the point, with no such introductory questions like "How are you?", " How's your kids?" bla..bla.. They won't share their private life with friends easily, and if they tend to ask you questions regarding your personal life (family, etc), they'll do it carefully and will not ask you more questions regarding the same matters.

Consequently, I feel it's hard for me to find Finnish friends. Being me as I am (I am also quite reserved and find it hard to have friends easily with me to start it first), left me being like a Finnish people in the laboratory:) I hardly talk and with only 3 women in the lab, I feel like a machine.. heheh..nevertheless I am used to it now :|

But, luckily our kids have made the networking with the Finnish neighborhood much better. Starting from the daycare, and now Zahirah is in her preschool while Sakinah is in a different group, help us to having a nice relationship with Finnish people and its culture. The fastest way is through their friends. Our daughters' first best friends were Ona, Peppi and Jazmin. Ona and Peppi are Finnish and they are sisters, while Jazmin is originally from Hungary. Then come Olivia, Martha, Vivi, Tuuli, Venla, Olli, Emma and the list goes on.. When the parents' meeting was held, we chatted and got to know each other.
From swimming classes, they knew Sarah and Hilmi, which happened to be Tuuli's sister.

Our kids' relationship with their friends grow stronger and they get invited to their friends' birthday parties, or simply invited to play at their friends' house via the parents. Now in my phone contact list, there are numbers of my Finnish friends created by the friendship of our kids. When I send my daughters to school and daycare every morning, I will pass them by and say hello, smiling at each other and chat some words. It feels good not to be aliens in the neighborhood:) And I feel quite relieve knowing my kids are happy at school and daycare, with many friends around and they do not feel isolated. Of course they feel very happy with their Malaysian friends, but most of the time they spend is at school/daycare.

Yes, Finnish people are quite reserved, but once you know them they can be friendly and helpful. There's still lot to dig about Finnish culture, but probably I have to switch the area of my research if I tend to know more :)

Finland part 1

I have long planned to write about Finland, in some different ways which will be memorable to us in the future. Of course it's beneficial to observe and replicate what is good for us. Finland is a modern country, and most of the population is the member of Evangelical Lutheran Church. Muslim and other religion comprised a little more than 1%. (The percentage- I took it from Wikipedia).

Finland, or Suomi ( in Finnish language) is the place where Nokia was born. I bet most of you guys didn't know it until now right? :) I knew it when we (my husband and I) decided to come to Finland to further our study. Why Finland? Well that's a different story :)

With its extreme winter (with -20 degree at worst), you can imagine how we at first cope with that. Compared to Malaysia with its warm weather all the year, we were very much 'frozen'. In addition to that cold, icy and crispy winter, the sunlight was rarely seen especially in December and January, which added more to our miserable depression. At that very time, lights were switched on regardless of day and night in our little house.

During those dark and frozen days, I realized that it's not wise to keep on being a depressed person. As a Muslim, the important medicine to all this depression-related things is to be nearer to Allah. I knew it is His plan for us with that kind of weather, to seek for His guidance and be closer to Him, begging for His forgiveness and praying that He will grand us peace of mind and happiness. Every time I complained, I realized it's not the way I should react. But being a human being, I easily forgot that and kept on moaning. Ya Allah, please forgive me...:(

Despite its chilly winter, and the need to wear all that thick, buggy clothes, my kids do love winter. They could play with the snow and skate on the ice. We have been here for 3 years, and my kids had started complaining of the warm weather when it was spring, summer and autumn on our second year here! (I have to keep reminding my kids not to complain too much about the weather or everything else and we have to be thankful to Allah, always). Probably they heard all the sighs from me :( Bad examples!!

Its 4 seasons and the extreme difference (sometime) between the winter and the summer make the life here somehow interesting. When it was very cold, you wish the summer is coming soon, and when you were sweating in a warm summer, you wish the cold wind will pass you by. Hehe..people won't easily get satisfied, but every second we have to remember to be thankful to Allah for all the wonderful things He has granted us, alhamdulillah:)

The winter will slowly (hmm not that slow, it usually lasts about 5 months) go and then the spring comes.  During this 3 years, I could say that spring time in Finland does not mean that we would see flowers blooming here and there. It's the rising in temperature and the melting of the snow. But for me, the soft touch of the wind to your skin and the mild sun shine is just perfect. I love the smell of the air in the spring, but not when it comes to the spreading of the pollen! :) (I will sneeze non-stop till I get my pill). And again, all praise to Allah for the wonderful moment of spring every year :)

I would say summer is the most favourite season for Finnish people. They could enjoy the sun very much and they would take at least one month vacation, likely to their summer cottage. For us, who always miss Malaysia and its weather, summer time is a season which will remind us of the environment there. And it's fairly easy to cope, no snow boot (but sometime you need rain boot because it could be rainy), no jacket etc. We could wear the same attire which we use in Malaysia. And my kids will shout it with joy: " Yeayyy..boleh pakai selipar bila nak keluar!!" Hehehe for you it may sound overreacting, but we could only wear slippers during this short (3 months or less) summer season:) And the kids will ask us to go and buy nice sandals for them. Zahirah would want the princess-girly type, while Sakinah would choose cool-easy-simple style of sandals. :) Alhamdulillah for the joyful summer!

Now, in this month or in the early of next month, the official autumn is coming. All the leaves will turn yellow and slowly they will fall off from the tree. Finnish people called it 'ruska'. To those who like photography, this period of time is perfect for them. The colourful and magnificent scene will make your heart blooming, and sensational feeling of admiration to the creator (Allah SWT) will creep in yourself. It will be beautiful in its own way. I am not a photography-crazy woman, but probably I could take a chance this year to capture the beautiful scene, insyaAllah:)

Being in Finland and experiencing these colourful seasons is among the beautiful things which we have gone through. Of course there's hurdles here and there when we experienced all these seasons previously, but I want to be a more positive person, especially regarding the changing seasons here in Finland. I know it's from Allah, and I should not look it from negative sides :)

Let's enjoy and be thankful to Allah for everything! :)

Life balancing

People always talk about how to balanced between work and family life. But I feel it's always easy said than done. You dream of to be a better student, employee, mother, wife, cook..and the list goes on..

How on earth you could be a better mother when you came back from work (or university), feeling so damn tired, then you have to cook, with your kids busy asking this and that and at the same time your head is aching, your body tells you to lie down and your mind is full of problems from work?

They expect you to smile when you seriously feel stressed out?? They say you have to spend time in the gym to relax your body, hence your stress level would go down. But hey, you don't have free time to go to the gym!

Excuses! (Say them? Say you?)

I think, from a Muslim point of view, the root of the balance issue is a balance between what we do which benefit us in this world and the hereafter.  Yes. There's no other way for us. That's the only way. It's final.

When we understand the important point about life balancing, I bet we won't complain on the small things anymore. Should there be complains, it has to be on (not all, but some which come to my mind):

1) How easy we delayed our prayer
2) We have not read a single page of Quran in one day
3) We don't make a do'a for our parents
4) We forget to donate some of our rezki to others in need
5) ...

And the list also goes on...

Oh Allah, give me strength to fulfill all the duty as a Muslim in a better way.

Hanya kepada Engkau aku sembah, dan hanya kepada Engkau aku meminta pertolongan.

Sakinah

Back from holiday, Sakinah always refuses to go to the daycare. Tons of reasons she gives, and the worst part which I could not resist is the part when she starts crying. She is cuter when she is smiling, like in the picture below..:)

She said she wants to go to the other group (the bigger one). She is bored staying in the group she is in right now. The bigger group is at different building, where there is more space for her to play and run. The group she is in now situated at smaller building, and it's such a small house where she could not make herself invisible from the nurses there.

I went to talk to the head of the daycare, Maisa. She seems so supportive and fully understands what Sakinah is feeling. I even broke down in front of her! She's so positive, and looks like she has an excellent understanding towards children behavior. Well, that's why she's working there :)

Parents want the best for their children, and so do I. It breaks my heart when Sakinah cried this morning, hugging my legs and telling me not to leave her there. I could not go to the university, feeling sad and worried about Sakinah. Previously, going to the daycare is among the best and happiest thing for her. Now, the feeling is gone. Deep down in my heart, I truly understand what she's feeling. She wants a different environment, same age friends to be around her, she wants to be more independent.

My Sakinah is a big girl now, not my little baby anymore!

Apabila kita gembira..

Terfikirkah kita, apabila kita bergembira, bergelak ketawa, merasakan kebahagiaan, masih ramai di luar sana yang sedang bergelut dengan kepayahan, kesedihan, ketakutan? Masih tegakah kita untuk walaupun tersenyum apabila memikirkan kesengsaraan mereka?

Sejak aku belasan tahun, sudah aku dengar akan kekalutan di bumi Palestine..namun pada masa itu, dan sehingga aku berumur 30 tahun, berita yang aku dengar hanya mampu membuatkan aku termenung untuk beberapa jam..kemudian perasaan sayu itu hilang digantikan dengan pelbagai perkara yang dekat denganku..rutin harian yang kadangkala banyak dipenuhi dengan perkara-perkara yang memang didambakan oleh nafsu manusia-berbelanja, makan, bersiar-siar..

Aku menangis apabila melihat satu video di bumi Palestine, di mana seorang bapa dengan sedih memegang mayat 3 orang anak-anaknya yang menjadi mangsa kekejaman Israel..tak terkata! Sakitnya jiwa melihatnya..namun lebih sakit jiwa bapa tersebut..Tersayat hati melihatnya, lebih perit rasanya perasaan orang yang mengalaminya..

Manusia makin gila dan rakus..! Apakah yang boleh kita lakukan untuk mereka? Ya Allah, Kau bantulah mereka!! Kau kuatkanlah mereka!! Ya Allah, hanya kepadaMu kami memohon, Kau berikanlah kejayaan kepada mereka! Sesungguhnya Engkau tuhan yang Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang..

Semangat yang hilang..

Dalam masa 2 bulan ini, sebenarnya banyak perkara yang ingin aku nukilkan. Pelbagai perkara yang berlaku, gembira dan sedih bercampur baur, dan ku sedari itulah warna-warna kehidupan! Alangkah indahnya sebenarnya kehidupan ini, sekiranya kita memandang dari sudut positif. Walaupun perkara yang berlaku membuatkan kita teresak-esak mengalirkan air mata, namun sebenarnya itu semua perkara yang positif! Kenapa? Sebab dari situ kita belajar satu lagi erti hidup ini.

Aku tahu dan yakin, ramai kawan-kawan dan juga mak ayah memandang aku sebagai seorang yang cekal semangat, dan berdikari. Hakikatnya, aku seorang yang pesimis dan tidak pernah mengimpikan kejayaan gilang gemilang. Aku hanya manusia yang boleh dikatakan tidak punya cita-cita tertentu dan impian menggunung. Setiap tahun yang berlalu, setiap saat yang terhitung, aku melaluinya mengikut rentak sekeliling. Tidak pernah memandang jauh ke hadapan, tidak pula menoleh jauh ke belakang. Aku melangkah seadanya, dan selalu hanya mengharapkan yang baik-baik saja, tida lebih dari itu. Lantas, apabila ujian melanda seperti sekarang, aku kaget..!

Mampukah aku menghabiskan pengajianku di sini?Tegakah aku mengorbankan tahun2 pertama persekolahan anak2ku untuk belajar di Malaysia? Sebelum ini, sesungguhnya aku sudah mengaku kalah..namun aku dapat merasakan Allah tetap membuka jalan untuk aku meneruskannya..hanya Dia yang Maha Mengetahui apa yang telah berlaku dan akan berlaku..Ya Allah..aku mohon kekuatan, dan tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang Engkau redhai..!

Oh Tuhan...

Memang aku sudah amat jelak membaca kisah-kisah dan perkataan-perkataan berbaur l****. Mahu termuntah rasanya..! Apatah lagi ia berlaku di negara Malaysia, yang mengakui Islam adalah agama rasmi. Yakah begitu?Benarkah? Atau hanya pada nama Islam itu agama rasmi?

Tambah meloyakan apabila ia dicanang di sana-sini. Bukankah Islam tidak membenarkan kita membuka keaiban orang lain? Malah, kita sepatutnya menutup keaiban orang, dan Allah akan menutup keaiban kita di akhirat kelak!

Memang boleh jika aku mengambil sikap tidak ambil peduli..lantaklah!! Sudah kerap aku memang mahu berbuat demikian. Tetapi, bagaiman mungkin jika aku baru sahaja membuka laman berita online Malaysia, terlihat tajuk berita yang memualkan! Mahu memejam mata, namun bait-bait perkataan itu sudah lekat di minda. Mahu lupakan, agaknya aku perlu hilangkan ingatan secara menghantukkan kepala ke dinding!! Ya Allah, sungguh aku jengkel dengan semua ini..:(

Bagaimana mahu membesarkan anak-anak dalam suasana yang sihat, sedangkan anak-anak yang ghairah dapat mula membaca, dihidangkan dengan berita yang begini? Aku kehilangan kata...

Ya Allah, selamatkan kami semua dari segala fitnah dunia.

Makan, anyone?:)

Kadang-kadang bila terlalu lapar, aku akan pergi ke cafe di universiti. Memang aku membawa bekalan dari rumah, tetapi hanya bekalan buah-buahan dan biskut, serta air kosong. Sudah tidak punya motivasi untuk memasak awal pagi seperti mula-mula dahulu. Di cafe, sudah tentu aku hanya boleh makan vegetarian food. Memang kalau dikutkan halwa tekak dan lidah aku, tak tertelan..hehe.. Biasalah di Malaysia, makanan pedas, berkari, dan pelbagai perisa lagi..hmm...

Namun, aku kagum kerana makanannya sangat seimbang dari segi protein, karbohidrat dan vitamin. Cuma, yang menjadi masalah bagiku cuma rasanya yang tak seperti makanan yang sudah terbiasa di lidah:) Tapi, apabila lapar, telan aje:)

Sambil aku merenung makanan sebentar tadi, aku teringat pertanyaan anakku yang kedua, minggu lepas. Sakinah, yang baru menjangkau usia 4 tahun Februari lalu, bertanya semasa sedang menjamah makanan di meja makan:

" Mak, kenapa adik tak boleh bawa makanan dari rumah ke sekolah?"

Memang di daycare, semua makanan disediakan. Bagi anak-anakku, mereka hanya diberikan vegetarian food, seafood, dairy food dan semestinya, karbohidrat dari nasi dan roti. 

"Kenapa adik tanya? Makanan di sekolah tak sedap ke?"

Aku menjawab pertanyaanya dengan pertanyaan juga.

"Sedap..tapi adik makan sikit je.."

Kakak yang sedang menulis di bilik, berkata dengan suara yang agak kuat, dengan nada sedikit menyindir..

"Tak sedapla tu....!"

Aku tertawa geli hati. Sengaja aku bertanya soalan mengada-ngada:

"Mak masak sedapla ya?"

Adik mengangguk-angguk. "Sedap!!".

Hehehe..kembang sedikit rasa hati mendengar pujian Sakinah. Aku mulakan ayat memujuk:

"Takpelah adik, nanti kalau adik bawa makanan dari rumah, kesian kawan-kawan adik dapat tengok je adik makan makanan yang sedap-sedap. Kalau adik nak bagi pada kawan-kawan, nanti tak cukup pulak. Takkan mak nak masak banyak-banyak pulak kan?"

"Lagipun, dekat sekolah tu cikgu dah sediakan makanan yang seimbang, bagus untuk kesihatan."

Amboi, pandainya aku menasihat. Aku sendiri?Hehehe..

Lantas aku kembali ke alam nyata. Melihat salad di atas pinggan kecil di hadapanku, aku mulakan makan. Bismillahirramanirrahim!! 

Alhamdulillah!!:)

Ingatan untuk diri sendiri-bersyukur dengan makanan yang ada. Orang lain entah makan entahkan tidak. Yang paling penting, jangan cakap tak serupa bikin!Hihihi..

Tsunami dan peringatan- soalan dan jawapan

Sudah 4 hari berlalu sejak sebahagian tempat di Jepun dilanda gempa bumi dan tsunami. Aku masih mengikuti berita-berita terkini di internet, mahu menonton terutamanya video dan gambar-gambar yang diletakkan di website. Perasaan terkejut semakin kurang, cuma rasa sedih yang masih setia dalam hati. Tak dapat kubayangkan sekiranya aku dan keluarga menjadi mangsa tsunami, menyaksikan sendiri keganasan air laut memusnahkan rumah, menghanyutkan  mangsa yang tak sempat menyelamatkan diri...alangkah sedihnya!!

Sebelum tidur sejak 3 malam semalam, aku terbayang, sekiranya aku kehilangan ahli keluarga kesan daripada kejadian malang yang menimpa, seperti tsunami di Jepun, bagaimanalah agaknya..:( Mengenangkan 'jika' itupun aku sudah mengalirkan air mata, apatah lagi menghadapi secara realiti. Melihat video mangsa terselamat menahan kesedihan, ibu yang positif akan anaknya akan dijumpai dalam keadaan selamat (dan kemudian menahan esak), menekan perasaan..sedih!!

Namun, aku percaya, semua ini merupakan peringatan yang nyata dari Allah. Kejadian tsunami ini, aku bayangkan Allah hanya 'menjentik' sedikit bumi, dan kemusnahannya amatlah ketara! Bayangkan bila tiba hari kemusnahan yang sebenar, bila akhirat tiba, huru-haranya bagaimanalah agaknya? Gerun aku memikirkannya..

Sambil aku menonton video ombak ganas menggulung memusnahkan rumah di Jepun, aku memanggil anak-anak menonton bersama:

"Kakak, adik, tengok ni..kesian kat Jepun, ada gempa bumi..kemudian jadi tsunami, air laut ombaknya jadi tinggi sampai habis rumah orang kat kawasan tu hancur..kesian kan...?

Kakak dan adik melihat dengan sungguh-sungguh. Tiba-tiba adik bercakap dengan nada panik dan suaranya hampir mahu menangis..

"Mak, kenapa ada gempa bumi?"

Kakak juga bertanyakan soalan yang sama. Aku sudah mula terfikir-fikir, sebab aku tahu soalan ini akan keluar dari mulut mereka. 

"Mungkin Allah nak tunjukkan kemarahannya sebab manusia banyak buat dosa, tak sembahyang, tak baca Quran, tak buat baik dengan orang.."

Aku saja tekankan tentang baca Quran tu, sebab kadang-kadang bila leka sangat bermain, kakak dan adik liat sangat untuk baca Iqra'. Adik terutamanya. 

"Macam mana tsunami tu jadi, mak?" Kakak sudah mula menguji mindaku, tanpa dia sedar, seperti selalu. Ilmu apa ni ye? Sains geologi kot? Aduh..nasib ada video yang menunjukkan bagaimana tsunami tu terjadi. Aku tunjukkan dan terangkan kepadanya serba sedikit. Aku rasa walaupun dia kurang faham, tapi dia nampak cuba untuk memahami.

"Tapi, kenapa orang baik pun kena jugak?Kat sana mesti ada orang baik jugak kan?" Kakak menambah.

Hmm..satu lagi soalan mencabar..macam mana nak beri jawapan supaya kakak tak anggap Allah ni kejam, sehingga menghukum orang yang tidak bersalah juga..

"Mungkin sebab tu kita kena bagi nasihat kat orang lain supaya kena buat baik, sembahyang dan sebagainya.." 

Kakak terdiam. Aku harap janganlah keluar lagi soalan tentang perkara tersebut pada masa itu. Aku mahu mencari jawapan yang lebih padan untuk anak kecil berumur 6 tahun sepertinya. Nanti tak pasal-pasal aku buat dia jadi keliru, lantas lagi banyak soalan yang memeningkan!!

Membesarkan anak-anak dan melayan soalan mereka memerlukan skill yang aku belum mahir. Juga memerlukan pengetahuan yang mendalam tentang sesuatu, kerana mereka akan bertanya sehingga mereka puas hati. Lebih parah lagi, sekiranya aku salah memberikan jawapan, maksudnya aku telah tersalah mengajar! 

Persoalan tsunami, juga kejadian alam yang pelbagai, dan bagaimana ia terjadi, boleh diterangkan menerusi ilmu sains yang kita pelajari (ataupun baru pelajari seperti aku belajar bagaimana tsunami terjadi melalui video). Tapi, tentang mengapa ia terjadi, dan jawapan untuk itu kepada anak-anak kecil, memerlukan jawapan yang bernas supaya mereka tidak keliru. Aku rasa aku perlu jadi pemikir yang kreatif dan kritis untuk menjawab semua persoalan tersebut. Sabar ye kakak dan adik, nanti mak belajar lagi, lepas tu mak dapat jawab soalan kakak dan adik dengan lebih bagus lagi..:)

Hijrah

Pertama kali, satu waktu dahulu, aku mahu menulis blog untuk dijadikan sebagai diari. Sejak berada di sekolah rendah, sampailah ke universiti, aku memang suka menulis, apatah lagi menulis diari..bak kata orang, "minah jiwang" lah agaknya aku ni..hihi..:)

Tapi satu entri dari blog ummuhusna (my favourite blog), yang aku faham maksudnya lebih kurang begini:

-Bila kita menulis blog, adakah kita pasti pembaca blog mendapat manfaat? Ataupun kita hanya membuang masa orang yang membaca? Atau lebih teruk, kita mendapat dosa apabila mendedahkan apa yang tidak sepatutnya? Ataupun mendapat dosa kerana membuang masa orang lain?

Aku kembali berfikir, sekiranya aku ingin mengembalikan keseronokan menulis diari, aku boleh lakukannya dengan menulis menggunakan pena, ke atas buku yang hanya aku yang dapat membacanya, ataupun dikongsi oleh suamiku. Untuk menulis semua itu dalam blog, tanpa sebarang bentuk penapisan, adalah sangat tidak wajar. 

Lalu kenapa sekarang aku mahu menulis blog? 

Sebelum aku datang ke bumi asing ini, aku belum dapat menyelami diriku sendiri, apakah yang aku inginkan dalam hidup ini? Ya, aku mahukan kejayaan, aku mahu menjadi seorang yang lebih baik, namun yang "lebih baik" yang bagaimana? Dalam hati, memang aku mendambakan ketenangan yang bukannya datang dari harta yang banyak, tidak berpunca dari kejayaan mendapatkan pekerjaan yang baik, ataupun dirasakan daripada menjadi orang yang terkenal. Aku mencari ketenangan yang datang hasil daripada kesedaran yang hakiki, yang ikhlas, bahawa aku ini hanyalah seorang hamba Allah yang akan kembali padaNya satu waktu nanti. Aku mengharapkan akan terbit rasa kerinduan kepada kematian, mengharapkan hati aku selalu tetap pendirian bahawa dunia ini hanyalah perhiasan yang sementara, dan destinasi aku yang sebenar-benarnya adalah akhirat.

Namun, sukarnya!! 

Aku selalu dibuai dengan hiasan sementara ini. Berlumba-lumba mengejar dateline, sehingga lewat mengerjakan solat. Seronok melayari internet, menonton cerita, sehingga terlalu lelah walaupun hanya untuk berniat bangun solat malam!! Letih memikirkan hal-hal kerja dan research, hingga tidak mampu untuk tersenyum pada suami! Padahal semua itu, dan banyak lagi yang tidak mampu aku tuliskan di sini, adalah bekalan untuk destinasi terakhir aku.  

Aku membuat keputusan untuk menulis blog, untuk mengingatkan diri sendiri tentang perlunya penghijrahan diriku ini secara total. Ia bermula dengan ketetapan hati, yang perlu sentiasa aku ingatkan dengan berfikir melalui setiap kejadian yang aku temui di sekeliling aku. Untuk mengingati semua itu, aku akan tuliskan di blog ini, supaya prestasi ketetapan hatiku sentiasa linear dengan masa. Dan aku kongsikan, supaya aku mendapat buah fikiran dari keluarga dan sahabat semua, sekiranya ada pandanganku yang tersasar.

Pagi ini, selepas menghantar anak-anak ke daycare, Marja, salah seorang nurse di sana menghampiri aku:

Marja: "I just want to let you know, that during this spring, we are trying to   build a new environment here. We are educating these children to be more polite to each other and to adults. As you might have seen, F****** children, as well as adults, are not as polite as others, like E******, for example, they always like to say "Please" when asking something. And I think that in your culture also, you are very polite. It's never too early or too late for us to change!"

Dalam perjalanan ke universiti, aku tersenyum dan terfikir, semua orang mahu berhijrah menjadi lebih baik. Dan aku tidak terkecuali.

First entry

Sudah lama tinggalkan area penulisan tu, sekarang layak dipanggil area panaipan..(adakah perkataan macam tu?..err..)..Kali ni sudah bertekad..

Petang selepas sampai ke rumah dari universiti, 10 Mac 2011:

Me: Abg, Faizah nk buat bloglah, boleh tak?..(sambil gelak2..)

Hubby: Ha buatlah..(sambil beri pesanan dan nasihat2 penting)

Me: *tergelak*..hihi sebelum ni nak buat dah serius punya tapi asyik tak jadi je..tapi kali ni InsyaAllah jadilah..:)

And here it goes..:) Assalamualaikum!!